24 Oct

On Thursday 17’th of October The Speakeasy Toastmasters Club hosted the Area 17 Finals of the Humorous Speech and Table Topics Contests.
The meeting was opened by Mr Pat Sexton who welcomed the 60 strong attendance which included members of the public and Toastmasters from Speakeasy, Fermoy Toastmasters, Crusaders Toastmasters, Cork and Powdermills Toastmasters Club in Ballincollig. Toastmaster for the Evening was Mick Donnegan who started the evening by explaining the rules of the contests, the order of speakers and introduced Tim Ahearn who conducted a short topics session.

The first contestant was Brian O’Farrell from Fermoy Toastmasters with a speech entitled “How to get rid of Visitors”. “The day is long gone when we lived in tenements up in Georgian Dublin” began Brian as he reminded us of modern day living in detached or semi detached houses, guard dogs, alarm systems. We use the Internet, watch soap operas on TV and chat on the phone. “But there is an older generation who have nothing better to do than come around and annoy you” Brian suggested the following ways to deal with them. “First have no door knocker, pull out the battery of the doorbell, have not one but two angry guard dogs” so you can waste your life away watching TV and videos.

Then it was the turn of Jerry Long from Crusaders with a speech entitled “My Guru” Jerry spoke of his mythical guru whom he calls “Guru Lottocash” who waits until everyone is sitting down watching TV before he goes to work. Jerry then went on to give us a comical look at the power of advertising. “When men take a shower they get wet but when women take a shower they get dry, because “Guru Lottocash told them so”. Put Oil of Ulay on your body to put back the moisture that showering has taken away”

After Jerry it was Michael Fenton from Fermoy Toastmasters with a speech entitled “Don’t Panic” which told a story about two teenage boys who devised a plan to borrow their fathers brand new Toyota car to go to the local Macra dance without him knowing about it as he forbade them to drive the car after dark. As they approached the car when the dance was over and in the company of two girls they were horrified to see a large scratch running the length of the car. Panic set in. “we’re dead, we’re dead” said one as the other was so frightened he couldn’t open his mouth.

Then it was the turn of Kay O’Keeffe from Speakeasy with a speech entitled “Goldie”. “Hi, I’m Goldie and I’m one. I’m a Retriever” began Kay who explained that she lived in Drogheda with a girl called Mary who is “fierce nice” and they are on holidays in Cork. She lived with another family but got her walking papers for “peeing on the carpet” and “chewing up your mans Nike Runners”. She met Mary while she was tied to a bus stop but she is “a bit odd because she don’t give me any meat on a Friday” Goldie explained that if a dog is mans best friend he is also mans cheapest form of therapy keeping one half of the country fit and the other half, sane. When Mary comes home from work she, Goldie, takes her for a walk and she is all the better for it. “Puffing and panting but all the better for it”. Goldie could not stay long because she had to get her box ready and choose her collar as she was going back to Drogheda in the morning.

After Kay it was the turn of Mary Buckley, also from Speakeasy with a speech entitled, “Join Our Club” “Have you ever thought of joining a new club?” asked Mary, who continued to tell us about the one made popular by Tiger himself. Golf. Mary would like the fairways to be made more narrow “that way everyone would be able to play from the rough, not just me and the safest place for the rabbits would be on the fairway”. She once asked a friend what would she give her caddy for a present. “Your golf clubs” replied her friend. “How you progress in golf”, said Mary, “is by being handicapped and going backwards and how you know you are improving is when you are missing the ball much more closer that you used to”. She knows that she is getting better at golf as she is “hitting less spectators”. There are three ways of learning golf, by study, by imitation, or by experience but for her the right way is “to go up and hit the bloody thing”. “There is one thing in the world that is dumber than playing golf and that is watching someone else playing it,” said Mary, which is the reason why she started.

And finally it was the turn of Michael Buckley from the Crusaders Toastmasters Club with a speech entitled “No Thank You” which was a tongue in cheek look at the mannerisms and characteristics of Irish people. “We must have the largest vocabulary for describing the weather of any nation” said Michael, “ and we can become a bit confused about peoples origin”. Telling us about the 5’the generation coloured American millionaire having a drink in a pub when he was asked “what part of Africa are you from, you speak very good English?”. Michael also gave us some examples of saying no when we mean yes and that when Irish people emigrated to various countries they quickly learned that when you say no, you don’t get asked the second time.

After the speech contest it was the Table Topics Contest, which again had 6 contestants from the three clubs. Tim Casey and Elizabeth O’Brien represented Speakeasy. Crusaders, Jerry Long and John Mulvey and Fermoy Toastmasters by Kathleen Geaney and Brian O’Farrell.

Winner of the Speech Contest was Kay O’Keeffe with Mary Buckley in second place, both from the Speakeasy Club.
Winner of the Table Topics Contest was Brian O’Farrell from Fermoy Toastmasters with Elizabeth O’Brien from Speakeasy in second place.
Kay and Brian will now go forward to the division final which will take place in The Hibernian Hotel on Saturday 26’th October at 8pm

Judges for the contests were Gerdaline Burke, Jim Byrne, Cellia Carlile, Orison Carlisle, Micheál Mc’Mahon, John O’Sullivan, Jeremiah Roynane and Michael Sexton. Chief Judge was Area Governor John Skeates who congratulated the winners and wished them well in the next stage of the contest.
John also congratulated the Speakeasy Club for hosting the contest.

Timekeepers were John Dillon and Margret Moore. Sergeants at Arms were Elaine O’Donoven and Jerry Mulcahy.
For your Dairy
Toastmasters Division A final of the Humorous Speech and Table Topics Contest at The Hibernian Hotel, Mallow on Saturday 26’th October. The 12 contestants will be the winners from the five areas in Division A which has a total of 20 Clubs from counties Galway, Clare, Limerick, Cork and Kerry. A night not to be missed.