17 Oct

Humorous Speech Contest
The October 3’rd meeting of the Speakeasy Toastmasters Club was one of the highlights of the Club’s year. It was the night of the Humorous Speech Contest. Over 40 members and guests attended the meeting, which was opened by President, Mr. Pat Sexton. Toastmaster was Sean Corcoran and Topicsmaster, Noel O’Connor. Noel started off the meeting with a, warm up, topics session and then it was time for the speeches.
Golf Handicap
Following Pat Sexton to the Lectern was Elizabeth O’Brien with a speech entitled “Golf Handicap”.“Picture the scene, I have just entered the inner sanctum of the Golf Club. Not the men’s locker room” began Elizabeth whose love affair with golf began in 1992 not when she took up the game but when she bought “ a shiny new red VW Golf”. “It was lust at first sight” as she loved and cared for it. But after a while it began to hiss at her “which would indicate a recurring problem with it’s delicate digestive system”. She persevered with the Golf and even undertook journeys to “far flung places, like Cork City” until one morning as she was running late it broke down near Blarney. She decided that day that she had “reached the 19’th hole with the Golf” and “after piggy banks were raided” she bought a new Opel Astra.
Join Our Club
After Elizabeth it was the turn of Mary Buckley with a speech entitled, “Join Our Club”
“Have you ever thought of joining a new club?” asked Mary, who continued to tell us about the one made popular by Tiger himself. Golf. Mary would like the fairways to be made more narrow “that way everyone would be able to play from the rough, not just me and the safest place for the rabbits would be on the fairway”. She once asked a friend what would she give her caddy for a present. “Your golf clubs” replied her friend. “How you progress in golf”, said Mary, “is by being handicapped and going backwards and how you know you are improving is when you are missing the ball much more closer that you used to”. She knows that she is getting better at golf as she is “hitting less spectators”. There are three ways of learning golf, by study, by imitation, or by experience but for her the right way is “to go up and hit the bloody thing”. “There is one thing in the world that is dumber than playing golf and that is watching someone else playing it,” said Mary, which is the reason why she started.
A Pig in a Poke
And finally it was the turn of Michael Dineen with a speech entitled, “A Pig in a Poke”
“Phil Collins patronised us all when he sang, “You can’t hurry love, you just have to wait”” began Michael who told us that he got sick and tired of waiting and decided to help things along by going on his first and last blind date. Some years ago he entered a charity “Blind Date” which was organised in his workplace as he was “going through a drought with women”. The contestants were kept isolated and plied with free drink “to keep morale up”. As he was being led blindfolded on stage he managed to hit shins on steps that no one told him was there. On stage the blindfold was removed to reveal a Transvestite Cilla Black called Mr.Pantie. Eventually he chooses contestant no. 3 but no romance blossomed. As a matter of fact he saw “more cold shoulder than a Siberian Butcher”. Michael’s advice to his fellow Toastmasters was to have their full senses about them when choosing a partner otherwise they could end up with “
Area Final of the Humorous Speech Contest
Tonight, Thursday 17’th October Speakeasy Toastmasters will host the Area Final of the Humorous Speech and Table Topics Contest. Performing on the night will be the winners from the 3 Clubs in Area 17, Speakeasy Toastmasters, Mallow. Crusaders Club from Cork and Fermoy Toastmasters. This final is held in Mallow just once every three years and is a night not to be missed. Admission is just 6 Euro and includes Tea/Coffee.
All Speakeasy Toastmasters Meetings are held in the Hibernian Hotel (Chapel Lane) in Mallow.
For further information on the Club contact Sean on 086 6054784 or Pat 087 2364240 or visit the Club’s Website at www.clix.to/speakeasy. Email, speakeasymallow@eircom.net.